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For the first time in my life I am reading poetry and it doesn't mean a thing.

Even before you there was poetry. Should I blame our dysfunction? My depression? My lack of sleep? Perhaps all of the above.

I read things that I know I love, and it had all the meaning of a strange language I'd never seen.

This is an intolerable state, and I'm not going to the doctor until next week. It won't even be for all of my crazy - just this insomnia.

I'm leaving this poem here in the hopes that it means more to you than it does to me right now.



The light has changed;
middle C is tuned darker now.
And the songs of morning sound over-rehearsed. –

This is the light of autumn, not the light of spring.
The light of autumn: you will not be spared.

The songs have changed; the unspeakable
has entered them.

This is the light of autumn, not the light that says
I am reborn.

Not the spring dawn: I strained, I suffered, I was delivered.
This is the present, an allegory of waste.

So much has changed. And still, you are fortunate:
the ideal burns in you like a fever.
Or not like a fever, like a second heart.

The songs have changed, but really they are still quite beautiful.
They have been concentrated in a smaller space, the space of the mind.
They are dark, now, with desolation and anguish.

And yet the notes recur. They hover oddly
in anticipation of silence.
The ear gets used to them.
The eye gets used to disappearances.

You will not be spared, nor will what you love be spared.

A wind has come and gone, taking apart the mind;
it has left in its wake a strange lucidity.

How priviledged you are, to be passionately
clinging to what you love;
the forfeit of hope has not destroyed you.

Maestro, doloroso:

This is the light of autumn; it has turned on us.
Surely it is a privilege to approach the end
still believing in something.

~ Louise Glück
So. Yeah. It's been a long winter.


Because sometimes one can taste the salty certitude of ruin.
Because each footstep is a promise of loss.
Because the molehill dreams of the mountain and the quick,
chill shower of rain that arrives tonight to break the heat wave
is like a lazy lover who will do a poor job of loving
and leave before dawn with a cynical sneer, moving onward.
Because my landlady says she can tell I am dying by looking at my hands.
Because there is a dove at every corner disguised as a pigeon.
Because the document I read on the day of my uncle's funeral
read "bi-polar disorder," which did not surprise me; because I found
it somehow brave of him to ensconce himself in a bottle and to allow the vodka
and rum to eat his liver and mind and because I recalled the jaundiced hue of his skin.
Because the metaphors about dark clouds and deep valleys seem literal.
Because the medications do not work but I tell everyone that they do.
Because the image of a hole in the ground so perfectly cut, the mere size
of a small box only large enough for one young man's ashes, harasses me
as I walk from here to the mailbox, or as I spend the afternoon rearranging
the piles of notices and bills and essays and photographs on my kitchen table.
Because I envision all my belongings boxed and bagged to be sent away.
Because I haven't the fortitude to answer the phone or to shower.
Because a poem is no therapy, and to speak of the reasons is not
to negate them but to empower them, such that they become birds
one cannot shoo away, such that they nest in the corners of the bedroom
or above the refrigerator, or here, in my stomach, and at the back of my throat.

~Paul-Victor Winters

(no subject)

Mar. 3rd, 2013 09:56 pm
malapropian: (Default)
I'm tired of being sick all of the time.

I'm also tired of being lied to, but that has nothing to do with being sick. It's just annoying.

I seem to have lost the knack of writing even when my world is falling down. Okay, falling down is gross hyperbole, it's more like my world has experienced a few pokes that I expected but didn't want.


Dec. 22nd, 2012 02:34 am
malapropian: (Default)
I'm finally (mostly) better.

Tomorrow I'm headed out for my week-long Christmas stuff. For people who don't celebrate the holiday we really do plan a lot.

Where did all my time go?


Dec. 13th, 2012 07:24 pm
malapropian: from Wonder Falls (cow of pain)
I am in the middle of a cold/flu/plague thing. It's pretty terrible. Every time this happens I wish that I'd had my tonsils removed - they always swell up like painful balloons.

Isn't this always the way? I had such plans for December. SUCH PLANS.
If you ask me where November went, then I have NO ANSWER.

Really, I have no idea how it is already December. Magic. Obviously, magic.

I managed to not participate in Nanowrimo, have a cold through most of November and participate in a semi-traditional American Thanksgiving... all through a haze of Nyquil and other drugs. If I did anything else of note (video games don't count except for with my little group), then I certainly can't remember. Oh! I watched all of the available Sword Art Online in two days. Yeah, still not very noteworthy or valuable. :/

My mostly non-existent immune system sucks. Maybe I should start taking a multi-vitamin again.

This month... this month I will write something! Anything. Well. Anything that's not an email or a review or a list or a blog entry?

Oh my. I just realized that I missed National Poetry Month. I love National Poetry Month. It is a wonderful excuse to spam people with poems I love or have just found or think are interesting...

So. Have a poem.

Objects Contain the Possibility of All Situations

I may kill. You should know this about me.
A razor in the night, without warning.
Objects contain the possibility
Of all situations. States of being
Embrace all imaginable events.
Any one life, or pair of lives, harbors
Every death. The succession of presents
Comprehends all foreseeable futures.
I have it in me to be a galaxy
Or one leaf on the frond of a fern.
I may become light in a sanctuary
Kindled by a rose window, or a cairn
Older than the woods it renders holy.
I may become water or earth. I may burn.

~H.L. Hix


Oct. 23rd, 2012 06:30 pm
malapropian: (cthulhu)
I seem to spend a lot of time keeling over lately... like for the past couple of months lately. It kind of sucks.

Basically, other than random illnesses popping up, I need dental surgery. That terrifies me. A lot. I also can't quite find the money for all that surgery which is less terrifying, but it's definitely not comforting.

I have a lot of pain and I spend too much of my time not being productive. :/

After this week, I will take steps to be more productive and useful because as nice as it sometimes is to be a video game playing blob... I really need to get back into the world and not fail at life.

/keels over

Oct. 19th, 2012 03:38 am
malapropian: from Wonder Falls (cow of pain)
My stomach fucking hates me. Everything I eat lately seems to rebel against being in me, so I've been playing too much Guild Wars and staying up late because I can't stand the thought of laying down when I feel this way.


Grr. Argh.

Sep. 19th, 2012 07:17 pm
malapropian: from Ouran High School Host Club (comfort food)
I promise that I am not dead.

I just really feel that way sometimes.

Bleh. /keels over


May. 26th, 2012 07:29 pm
malapropian: from Ouran High School Host Club (comfort food)
Life is kicking me all over my ass.

Also, alcohol =/= medication, but powerade is delicious.


Mar. 7th, 2012 01:06 am
malapropian: from Ouran High School Host Club (comfort food)
I'm having horrible headaches again. Hopefully, it's nothing too serious.

Dinner started out as leftovers, but it turned into a pb&j after realising that I couldn't remember how old the leftovers actually were... I do that way too often.

I was trying to go through the orientation packet for the job thing, but the font or size of the type was just swimming all over the page. It definitely feels like a migraine is approaching. I suppose it doesn't matter as long as I'm functional enough to make it to the conference call tomorrow night.

Maybe I'll just shower then fall asleep to the sounds of Carl Sagan.


Mar. 3rd, 2012 03:30 am
malapropian: (Default)
Some of the surrounding towns have tornado warnings, and I guess there's a storm? It seems to be mostly rain with a little thunder. Obviously, I'm still on the internet, but I'm debating shutting my pc down. Oh decisions...

Who am I kidding? The computer is staying on, and I'll continue with my evening as planned. I should be writing or even working on my resume instead of catching up on my reading, but my productivity levels are inversely proportional to my wakefulness right now.

It sure would be nice to be able to sleep at a normal time though. :/ I mean, I have sleeping meds and everything, but you couldn't prove it by me.